Goodbye For Now
by Musetta31
Summary: Shannon's under Matt's shadow continually. How does he cope? ONESHOT.
1. Goodbye For Now

_So, this kind of just popped into my head. I adore Shannon Moore. You could probably tell that one from Extreme Training... Heheh. But, anyway... I also love this song, and I thought it was a bit fitting with him, from a certain standpoint. Anyway, I own none of these characters. They're the WWE and Vince McMahon's. I know nothing of their personal lives. The song also is not mine, it is called "Goodbye For Now" by P.O.D. No copyright intended._

I walked into the locker room after I lost, and I could tell from Matt's face that he felt bad for me. I was supposed to win. But that didn't mean anything. Cody Rhodes wouldn't lose to me. Not now, not ever. I just shook my head and sat on a bench, put my head in my hands. Yeah, I was mad. Wouldn't you be? But that didn't matter either.

I felt his arm go over my shoulders, and I looked up at him through the sides of one hand. He was smiling at me, in a way that was strangely comforting after all we'd been through.

I sighed, closing my eyes, and leaned toward him. He was my best friend. He made me feel better about something stupid.

Pulling my hands away from my face, I smiled at him, and stood. "Thanks, Matt."

He just nodded. I grabbed my bag and high-tailed it out of the arena. Easier to shower in a hotel room, away from the laughs of the guys who knew I was too weak to beat that damned Cody Rhodes.

Stepping out of my car, I eyed the hotel in front of me tiredly. It was just like the last one, just as boring, just as plain. Nothing special.

Sighing, I took the elevator up to the room Matt and I were sharing and dropped my stuff, heading immediately for the bathroom. I locked both the door to the room and the one to the bathroom before I started taking off the tape on my arm. It came off slowly, revealing reddened marks and scars. Shaking my head, I undressed and stepped into the shower.

After a few minutes of the warm water running over me, I reached up to the top shelf of the shower. It was a good thing Matt never checked these things. I always put my razor up there. Taking down the glinting silver blade, I brought it to my arm, choosing the spot I'd do carefully. It could be covered by my sleeves, and later by tape, so no one would see it. Not even Matt. Drawing it across my skin, I let out a sigh of relief. The feeling of it parting was something I'd always found strangely calming. Since I started in the WWE, it was my greatest sense of relief.

I heard the hotel room door open then, and realized Matt must be home. Quickly, I slid the razor back to its shelf and grabbed the shampoo. I showered quick and left the bathroom shortly after, wearing baggy pajama pants and a long sleeve black tee-shirt.

When I walked out, Matt was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn't put any music on yet, so I reached for my C.D. case, figuring out that tonight was my choice. I pulled out the mix that had both his and my favorite songs on it and put it in the radio, then pressed play.

The brunette looked up at me with a bit of a smile. "You doin' okay, Shan?"

I smiled back at him, holding my arm to my stomach. "Yeah. I'm good."

And I wasn't lying. Even after everything that had happened, I was okay. Because when your best friend's there with you, and doesn't see how messed up you are, you feel a lot better than if they know. Or if they're not there at all.

_I can still see the light  
at the end of the tunnel shine  
through the dark times  
even when I lose my mind_

I walked into the arena to get ready for that night when Stephanie came up to me. She smiled in a way that told me I wasn't going to like what she said. "Ah, Shannon, just who I was looking for." I just raised an eyebrow and she continued. "Listen, after last week, I'm sure you're set to get your hands on Rhodes again. But... well, Cody won't face you again. He flat out refused. So, I've set you up a match with Paul London tonight. He's more... high-flying than Rhodes is. And then you'll be set to find a tag partner, and maybe you'll find yourself with a title shot. Tag partner assumed to be Matt, we'll have a pay-per-view title shot with you two together again!" Her voice feigned excitement.

I looked at her, confused, for a moment before shaking my head. "But, wait, we agreed when I came back that I wasn't gonna be teaming with Matt again. You said I'd get to be on my own again!"

Stephanie's smile didn't falter, though her tone changed. "Shannon, this is a great opportunity for you. You've never been in a situation like this one. If you win this, you'll get a title shot. With one of your best friends. And you won't be 'The Reject' anymore. You'll be a member of XTreme Punk."

Still shaking my head, I looked down at my feet. "But, we agreed..." I mumbled. Her face started to fall into that angry look she must have inherited from her father. I spoke up quickly. "Okay, Mrs. McMahon, okay. I'll do it."

I walked away, toward the locker room, and she sent a comment over to me. "You made the right choice, Shannon! Sticking with Matt's the best thing you can do!"

I opened the door to the locker room and slammed it shut behind me. Matt looked up from where he stood, surprised to see me looking angry. He raised a questioning eyebrow, and I just shook my head. "Don't ask."

He nodded, walked over and put a hand on my shoulder briefly, and went back to getting ready. I slammed my bag on the bench, reached in for the tape, and turned away from him. Last thing I needed was for Matt to see what being in his shadow caused.

_But it feels like no one  
in the world is listening  
and I can't ever seem  
to make the right decisions_

I lost. Again. And I was pissed. I didn't even stop when Matt tried to ask me what was wrong. I just walked out to my car and took off.

I drove around for a bit before going back to the hotel. Matt was outside waiting for me. I should've known he would be. But I ignored that fact. He came up, concern on his face, and walked with me up to our room. He could tell I was pissed. But whether I won or lost, the storyline was going. Matt beat Kendrick, and next week we traded matches, and then we wrestled together. Again.

Sighing, I shook my head and laid back on my bed for a minute. Matt sat on the edge, looking down at me. He ran a hand through my hair. "You really didn't want this storyline, huh?"

I shook my head. "But it's fine, Matty. I'll work with it."

He smiled, and I stood to go shower. "I gotta go clean up. I'll be out soon."

Another shower, another mark to add to the collection. When they're in such close proximity, they get hard to hide. But I didn't care. I needed this. It was my drug.

When I came out, Matt was already half asleep. He'd put on a c.d. with our old entrances on it. I laid back on my bed, looking at my nails. They needed a new coat of black. Then I glanced at the tattoos on my torso. I traced the outline of a new one to go under my 2-B-ME logo.

He looked over at me with a sigh. "You sure you're okay with this, Shan?"

I looked at him for a moment, then put on my usual smile, the one that hid everything behind it. "Yeah, I'm sure Matty. It'll be fun working with you again."

_I walk around in the same haze  
I'm still caught in my same ways  
I'm losing time in these strange days  
but somehow I always know  
the right things to say_

Stephanie set me up for a win this time. But it was a cheap win. Matt came out after, introduced the new team of XTreme Punk, to be in action next week. Usual showmanship. Rough on me, even with a win. Like going back to Mattitude again.

Backstage he apologised. Told me Steph told him to do that. Bring it back to where I started. I hate that. I'm not the little kid I was back then. I won't be.

We'd taken the plane this morning, and I showered at the arena for once instead of waiting to get back. Besides, I had to wait for Matt anyway, since he drove. When we got to the hotel, I just laid on the bed on my side of the room, pulling off my wristbands. I forgot I wasn't wearing tape.

Matt grabbed my arm when he saw it, turned it over, and looked up at me, surprise evident in his features. He traced over the newest mark with a finger, then over the most prominent of the others. I pulled my arm back, pulling it to my stomach. He sighed. "Why, Shan?"

I shrugged. "I couldn't deal with it, Matty. If you..." I couldn't finish the thought. It would hurt him more if I did than if I just left him in the dark.

He laid down next to me, reaching for my arm again. He pulled it out over his stomach, still tracing the scars. I think he understood. But he would never admit that. He couldn't. "How long?"

I looked at him. "Since Mattitude." Guilt evident on his face, I shook my head. "No, Matty, it wasn't you! It was..." I couldn't answer. I wasn't sure what drove me to it. I just couldn't stop.

_I don't know what time it is  
or whose the one to blame for this  
Do I believe what I can't see  
And how do you know  
which way the wind blows_

Hearing the crowd chant my name is a great thing. Especially when I get to make the pin. I'd never made the pin when I wrestled with Matt. But that night, I was guaranteed it. He didn't want to make it. He never wanted to make it.

I smiled out at them when I hit my corkscrew senton, the Halo. Similar to Jeff's Whisper in the Wind, but still uniquely mine. And when the bell rang, he took the glory spot. I didn't care. I'd won a match.

I started off happy that night when we got back to the hotel. I wanted to drink. I hadn't had a drink in a while. So, Matt paid. We were buzzed when we went upstairs, deciding not to risk hangovers when we had house matches the next night. He sat at the foot of the bed while I leaned on the headboard. We listened to music at first, but then the phone rang. It was Stephanie. "Yeah, Stephanie? **Shannon! Perfect! Listen, since you got that pin last night, Matt's gonna pin them tomorrow. We're going back to a Mattitude-like attitude with you two. Got it?**" I sighed. "Yeah, Steph. I got it." She hung up without a goodbye.

_Cause I can feel it all around  
I'm lost between the sound  
And just when I think  
I know, there she goes_

Weeks passed. Mattitude was back, just with a new name. XTreme Punk was a dominating tag team. We won almost every match. We got the titles. But I was the bitch again. I was beat not only in the ring by my opponents, but by Matt for the storylines after. Whether we won or lost. I couldn't do well enough.

But like last time, I just smiled. I bore with it, dealing with everything in time. Matt checked my arms from time to time. So I changed my spot. My legs were a good place. No one ever saw those.

I blocked Matt out after a while. The shows stopped mattering to me. All I wanted was to go home. Jeff seemed so much happier when he was there. What if I just left with him one day? I shook the thought from my head. This is my life. I needed it.

Matt started to notice I was growing distant again. He'd try to talk to me, but I couldn't. I was going silent. I was losing myself. To my cutting. It was everything. I needed it. Or I would die.

By that time, I bet everyone in the locker room knew. Mostly because Matt and I fought over it one day. I hate how much he knows me sometimes. But I love him. He's my best friend. He wouldn't do this to hurt me. I just kept telling myself that, while everyone watched me sinking farther and farther downhill.

_We're still smilin as the day goes by  
and how come nobody  
ever knows the reasons why  
Burry you deep so far  
you can't see  
If you're like me  
who wears a broken  
heart on your sleeve_

We were back in Cameron for a few days, so Jeff came to see us. Well, more to see me, apparently. Matt ran off to see everyone from the old neighborhood, while me and Jeff went to my tattoo place, to get ones filled in. To only ours and Shane's knowledge, we had matching tattoos on the backs of our necks. No one ever noticed them. It was our old symbol. Time to get it filled.

When we were done, we went back to his house and sat by his pool. He glanced at my covered arms for a second. "Still goin', huh Shanny?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I guess."

He shook his head, but lifted his own arm. "I know whatcha mean."

There, matching my newest, were a few of his own. Jeff had stopped for a long time. I felt immediately bad. "Why? What happened?"

He looked down. "Before I decided to take time off..." I nodded. He didn't have to say anymore. Like me, wrestling had been everything for him. But then his eyes got a spark in them. "Ya know, I used to use wrestling as my life. But lookin' back on it now, I see somethin' I never saw before. It wasn't hard to leave. It was hard to get past it and find somethin' else."

I looked up at him with a smile. "So..."

He laughed a bit. "You gotta figure out that part, Shanny. That's your decision."

_Pains is troubles that  
you know so well  
Either time don't  
It can't or you just won't tell  
I'm not the type to say  
I told you so  
I think the hardest part  
of holding on is lettin it go_

We were back in the ring again, practicing for the next match. I looked over at Matt, who was tensed to fight, and put my arms down. He looked at me, confused. "I quit."

His eyes went wide. "What?"

"I quit." I've never thought those words would taste so sweet. It had been a few days since my conversation with Jeff, and I knew what I had to do.

"Why?" He looked so hurt.

I walked over to him. "Because, if I don't get out of here now, I won't be here to finish this line, Matty. I... I gotta go away for a while."

"But... this is your life Shanny! What about that?" He put his hands on my shoulders.

I looked down. "I know it's my life. But... There's more than this. I just have to find it. I won't be gone forever. Just for a while. 'Til we're singin' a new song in here." My eyes went back up to him, and I saw an understanding in them that I'd never seen before. I smiled, hugged him, and started for the door. "Goodbye, for now, Matty."

And I went home, to Cameron. To finally get out of the shadow of Mattitude. To stop the pain. And stop it did.

_Goodbye for now (I'm no the type to say I told you so)  
Goodbye for now  
So long(I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go)  
When will we sing  
A new song  
A new song_

_So, there's another little one-shot. Any one-shots I've done that you've liked, just let me know if you want to see a long version of it, and I'll make it better. =)_


	2. Told You It Was Only For Now

_I claim no ownership to any characters in this. They are the WWE's, Vince McMahons, and their own selves. This is the continuation of "Goodbye for Now", done by request. Hope you enjoy it. =)_

Leaving the WWE that night was the hardest thing I've ever done. Matt was so... sad, I guess. I mean, he didn't want me to go. But he wasn't mad. So, sad's the best word I can think of for it. But I walked away, to Stephanie's fighting and Shane's attempts to stop me. Threats of no job on return. The whole nine yards. But I had to do it. They couldn't see that.

Actually, Matt did see that. I think that's why he wasn't mad. He understood I needed to get away. He just felt like it was him I had to get away from. And maybe it was. I still don't know for sure.

I got a call from Vince later that night. Which was a surprise. I was driving down the highway, and jumped like hell when the phone went off. Laughing at myself, I answered to his voice. My job was guaranteed when I came back. Apparently, I really was good. Even if I never got a good match.

The drive went pretty quiet from there. It was weird, having mine and Matt's favorite songs playing without him in the car with me. I started to regret leaving about halfway home. But I had to go. I couldn't let myself die there. Matt wouldn't let me die there. So, regardless of the gnawing feeling in my stomach, I went back to Cameron, and found myself on Jeff's doorstep instead of my own.

*****

I love having friends. They make the hardest things easier. When Jeff opened the door, he eyed me for a moment, then let me in. As soon as I put my bag down, he wrapped me in a hug. I hadn't realized I needed one. But he did. I buried my face in his chest, being quite a bit shorter than him, and just held onto him for a moment before I let go, blush heavy on my face. "Sorry."

He laughed. "Don't be. You needed it." He gestured toward his room, and I went in, sitting on his bed. He smiled down at me and popped a c.d. into the radio, a mix of a bunch of stuff that all of us liked. Then he sat next to me. "So. Why'd _you_ do it?"

I sighed, looking at my hands. "I couldn't be there. I was dying inside under him. I have to be on my own for a while. I shoulda known it was too soon to try that again."

He nodded, putting an arm over my shoulders. "You couldn'ta known that, Shanny. How long since your last one?"

I looked at my taped forearms for a moment. "Three days."

He sighed, wrapping the other arm around me. Jeff was always good at comforting people. "You have anything with you?"

I glanced back at him, but nodded. I gestured toward my bag, and he reached into it, pulling out a small plastic bag. It had my current razor and a new one in it. I thought he would throw it out. But instead, he dropped it into a bedside bureau drawer. "Why not just get rid of it?"

Leaning back on his headboard, he answered. "Simple. Get rid of it, you'll just get another. Have the reminder always there, in the back of your mind, it helps you stop. It was like the painkillers for me."

I nodded, looking at my hands again. "It's gonna be hard, isn't it?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah. It is. But you'll get through it. Trust me. If I could, you can. You always were stronger than me."

I snorted. "Yeah, I was stronger, and yet I was always under your brother's shadow, and never able to prove myself, even against him."

The multi-colored man smiled. "Please. You coulda beat Matty a million times. I saw it in your face. You stop right before you beat him, because you think he's letting you win. The company makes you think that."

I raised an eyebrow, but then leaned back, laying next to him. It was comfortable, being close to someone again.

He rested his arm under my back, and we stopped talking, listening to the music. After a while, he took my arm like Matt had the other night. He took the wristbands off of it. But, instead of tracing my scars and wounds, he traced over the outline of my tattoo. Leave it to Jeff to still see the art in a destroyed masterpiece. Where his brother saw only the damage, he saw the whole picture, and how the damage adds to the beauty. Or something like that.

With the music quiet like it was, and the light pressure on my arm, I fell asleep there next to him. And this time, it was comfortable. No nightmares this time.

*****

I woke up early the next day to find Jeff asleep on the couch. Guiltily, I picked him up as carefully as I could and put him back on his bed. It wasn't my place to steal that. I went into the kitchen, made a pot of coffee, and sat at the table with a mug. My phone on the table next to me, it was like being back to normal again. When Jeff came out of his room, smiling sleepily, I laughed and poured him a cup as well. Nothing like coffee to kick off the first day of an indefinite vacation.

*****

The rest of the next couple weeks was pretty similar to that night. Instead of going to stay at my house, where I'd be alone and left to my own thoughts, I stayed with Jeff. The first couple weeks weren't too bad. I started getting shaky. It was exactly three weeks from my last cut that I started getting sick.

Thing is, when you get used to having something happen to your body, and then you suddenly stop doing it, you withdraw. Just like a drug, cutting causes withdrawal. It starts with shakes. Then you get sick. Then you start to hurt because you're not hurting. After that, it gets better, and like any other drug, you find yourself mostly free from it. The temptation's always there, but it's not prominent. Not unless you go back to the state of mind you were in when you were on the drug.

Anyway, back to the story. Three weeks after I left, I'd been shaking like mad. I was sweaty. I had a fever. Withdrawal was a damned thing. I remember Jeff describing it to me, telling me I'd go through it even though it wasn't a drug. But it was still a damned thing.

That morning, I sat at the kitchen table until Jeff got up. He made coffee. I was too dizzy at the moment. He set a cup in front of me. I took a sip, and instantly regretted it. Diving for the bathroom, I leaned over the toilet, and was not pleased to feel my dinner from last night making its way back out. My hair was everywhere, but I couldn't grab it. A second after I realized this, I felt it being pulled back from my face. Now I could concentrate on getting sick.

When the nausea wave passed, I sat on the tile floor next to Jeff and shook my head. He chuckled a bit, but stood me up and helped me balance while I cleaned my face and washed out my mouth. Once stable, I glared at him in the mirror. "So not funny."

He shook his head. "Not laughing at the situation, dimwad. Laughing at how strange it was to see you sit back on the floor with this face that just screamed, 'laugh and you die'."

I eyed him for a moment, then laughed a bit myself. "That may or may not have run through my head at that moment." Sighing, I rested my forehead on the counter near the sink, stepping to the side so Jeff wouldn't have to move. "This sucks man."

He nodded. "I know. Withdrawal from anything will do that to you. But hey, at least you're not alone."

I turned my head to look up at him and gave him a smile. He was right. It was nice to have a friend to hold my hair back while I got sick.

*****

Once I stopped getting sick, which took a couple more weeks, I got a call from Matt. He'd apparently called when I wasn't able to talk, as I'd taken permanent residence in the bathroom for almost the whole two weeks. I called him back, and was pleased to find out that he was coming home to see us at the end of the week.

I was a little anxious. Wouldn't you be, if you left your dream job because you couldn't live in your best friend's shadow? But when he got there, and pulled me into a hug despite the gross, sweaty mess I must have looked like, I knew it was all okay.

The afternoon he came back, the three of us sat around the table. Jeff and him had coffee. I stuck to water. Stomach was still uncertain as to how much it would take.

He eyed me for a minute. "So. How's... _that_ coming?" he asked, gesturing to my arm. I turned it over, showing the healed marks from over a month ago. He smiled, a relieved one. "Good. I'm glad you're stopping."

I laughed a bit, looking at my hands. "Me too, Matt. Me too. But it sucks a bit too. I kind of prefer the taste of food when it's going down, not coming up."

Jeff laughed pretty hard at that, but we'd learned to joke about it. Matt just looked a bit guilty. Seeing the look in his brother's eyes, Jeff stood. "Hey, guys, you should... talk about all this. I'm gonna go in my room for a while. Just... ah... come get me when you're all set."

I nodded at him, and he started for his room. He stopped for a second to put a hand on my shoulder in a way that said, "Just tell him," before continuing and closing the door behind him.

Matt looked at me across the table with a sigh. "So. You never answered me before you left."

I lowered my gaze to my hands again. I knew what he was talking about. "I know. And I need to do that now."

"So, why'd you do it, Shan?" He looked a bit hurt when I glanced up at him.

My gaze dropped again immediately. "Well... here's the thing. I..." I sighed, mentally preparing myself. "When I started under you, with the whole Mattitude thing, I was happy. But then I wanted to be my own person. And the company said, nope! You're not as strong as Matt! You'll be his bitch!" He opened his mouth to say something, but I held a hand up to stop him. "That was why I started. I wasn't myself. I was the mini-Matt, and worse than that, I was beat up for it even worse. Once I started, it just kind of... consumed me, I guess. From there... I was let go the first time, and went to TNA, where the Reject came into play. But no one there knew me. So I had no reason to stop. When I came back here, they swore I would be my own person, no ties to Mattitude again. I stopped for a little while. And then I was losing to guys who I knew I could beat, because they didn't want to lose. And then it was like going back to Mattitude again. I wasn't me, I was the mini-Matt, and everyone saw you as the leader, even though I picked up most of the wins. So I went back to it even heavier. And when I talked to Jeff last time we came home, I realized that the only way to stop was to get away from the whole industry for a while, find myself, and return after _I _knew who I was."

Matt stared at me for a moment, then looked down. "I never knew... But Jeff did, huh?"

I nodded. It went without saying.

He looked back at me, guilt in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Shan, I didn't know! I just... I couldn't... I..."

Again, I held up a hand to stop him. "It wasn't you, Matt. It was the company. I was the mini-Matt because they told me to be. Not because you told me to."

He nodded. "So... you're not mad at me?"

I shook my head, chuckling. "Nah. I couldn't be mad at you."

He smiled. "Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd have to kick your ass."

I laughed a little louder. "You say so, but you can't back it up, pretty boy."

*****

It took another few months to fully withdraw. Matt went back to the WWE soon after our conversation, and told the boss some of the story, but not all of it. Obviously. So my job was definitely guaranteed, and also guaranteed no more Matt storylines. Unless I was beating him.

In the time between my worst withdrawal period and complete ending, I went back to the tattoo parlor and did some for people. This girl named Kae came in, got one on her shoulder. Said "June" on it. I swear, she had scars like mine. But I didn't ask. Just put a hand on her shoulder before we started, said, "Don't let it take over. The withdrawal's a bitch." She laughed, smiled in a knowing way, and looked back down.

At the very end of the withdrawal, Jeff pulled out my old bag from his bureau. I hadn't even realized he'd kept it all that time. I looked at the razors for a minute, then took the bag. I walked over to the trash and dumped them in. He smiled, walked up, and wrapped me in a hug. "You did it, Shanny. You broke it."

*****

When I left the WWE, I had no intention of going back. I was done with it. There was nothing left for me there. But with the problems gone, and my guarantees in place, I called up Vince and took my spot back. While I started off against the smaller guys again, I was finally winning, and on my own. A storyline was built, and before I knew it, I found myself in the ring with Matt again. As his opponent.

I've never had such a historic match, in my mind. When I finally hit the Halo... the crowd's never been louder than it was that night. A three-count never felt so good. I'd finally proved myself. Out in the ring, Matt acted pissed off. But I could see in his face, he was proud. I lifted my arms, which were uncovered at last, and headed backstage.

Once there, when Matt found me, he smiled wide. I laughed. He pulled me into a warm hug with a laugh. "Nice job, Shan. You kicked my ass."

I laughed, hugged him back, then punched him playfully in the ribs. "Told you height don't matter!"

He shook his head, smile still there, and sat on the bench. "Glad to have you back."

I sat next to him. "Glad to be back. See? I told you it was only goodbye for now."

*****

And thus, my story ends. My leaving, withdrawing, and returning to the WWE, in my own words. Trust me when I say, this wasn't easy. But that's life. It took some hard knocks to be me.

_Ahah, and there it is. The completion. And, the sentence at the end has his tattoos in it. HARD KNOX is on his knuckles, and 2-B-ME is on his stomach. Thought that would make sense there. Hope you enjoyed! If you like this, please take a look at my other one-shots. Like this one, they'll be made longer on request only. Thanks all! =)_


End file.
